STL's Kenny Powers Responds to @HoffmanLewisSTL Softball Freelance Request

The following reply is in response to this ad: http://stlouis.craigslist.org/act/3063641470.html

This might be some of the best copywriting work we've seen so far this year...
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Yes, hello. I'm responding to the ad requesting softball players for tonight's game in Forest Park. I'm very interested. Per your inquiry, I have experience playing softball in over ten leagues including Kansas City Shriners, Oskaloosa County Egg Producers, Southern Utah Catholic, and California Penal.

My career batting average is .359 (Discounting my '94 junior league season with the Lenexa Ninjas, but I maintain that the fire that destroyed those records was completely unrelated to my history of arson), and I have a long record of filling in for teams that find themselves in a tight spot. That being said, I do have a few prerequisites before I offer my services.

First, I require two rotisserie chickens for my sole consumption during the contest. I find that a well sated palette calms my nerves and ensures a keen eye and steady bat. Plus, I just really enjoy a good chicken.

Second, I request that the team bat boy (or bat person, if you like) plays my walkup song before each at bat. Don't worry, I'll bring my own Kenwood boom box along with me with the tape cassette all cued up and ready to go. If you would like to preview my song of choice, I've found a rendition of it on the World Wide Web: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mML2fPec7xU

Finally, I hope you don't find it to presumptuous to discuss monetary issues prior to our actual face to face meeting. Typically, I request an initial retainer no less than $50 before the game, with an incentive laden verbal contract that offers $10 per home run and $2.50 per unassisted putout. In the unlikely event that I commit an error, I will happily pay back the entire balance.

I hope these terms and conditions meet with your approval. I'm very much looking forward to this evening's sporting contest. Also, can I get a ride? My mom's Aerostar is in the shop.

Tipper O'Brien
ASA HOF '06
Schupp Company
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Oh you crazy kids… GET THE F*CK BACK TO WORK.