Apple Opens Big Ass Store This Saturday

Word on the e-street is that Apple will open it's possibly largest mall-based store EVER on Saturday, October 16th at 9 a.m. The new 6,000 sq. ft. behemoth (omg I am so totally going to live there and never leave) will be replacing the janitor's closet that existed previously.

Get this - it will have a lounge area for all those fools that don't register at the genius bar online and instead show up unannounced, making those poor, average, blue-shirted apple employees (yet somehow above average and stylish in their own way) tap-tap away trying to schedule them in for the day. The lounge was previously inhabited by Starbucks Coffee who Apple apparently told to "get the fuck out of our way".

As a nod to apple's expanding materialism, the first 1,000 visitors (estimated to be present at the 9 a.m. opening, salivating at the site of a bigger store) will all receive a gray t-shirt, shave their heads, and sit in rows in a gloomy theater as Steve Jobs personally indoctrinates them. (There have been numerous threats received by local authorities that a giant austrian olympian chick plans to disrupt the event by "launching a sledgehammer at his capitalist face").

The store will also boast a 55-foot wide storefront which will be used to introduce the new iBoat. No details on what exactly an iBoat is, but we are sure it will be sleek as hell and on our christmas list.