Sod The Pitch, Let’s Talk About Advertising and Religion Instead!

The last episode of the Pitch was enough for me to say enough’s enough. I am not going to write about the shitty show any more. It’s quite clear the whole thing is a fucking shambles. After seeing them award the account to that pathetic agency with one of the most offensive and clichéd ideas that I’ve ever seen, well that was enough for me to call it a day. Seriously, “women just know” is about as awful as seeing women jumping out of planes because of the fucking tampon they’re wearing. Jesus H. Christ!

And speaking of his holiness, The Pitch did bring up something I think we should talk about, people. It was in episode 4, and it really caught my attention. John Boone was waxing lyrical about something forgettable — then it cuts to him in church playing a guitar!

I was a bit taken aback to be honest. But like a good car wreck, I was glued to it. It turns out that John Boone is a man of faith. He likes to pop along to the local happy clapper camp and praise the lord with the rest of the faithful followers of JC.

That bugged me. A lot.

Now, a few disclaimers. First, I’m not religious. Not even slightly. The idea of it all is ludicrous, and if you’ve ever read anything by Joseph Campbell, you’ll know what I mean. Second, if you are religious, and can’t take someone bashing your beliefs, you should probably sod off now and read something else. If you can take it, go ahead. I will expect the usual drubbing in the comments section. And finally, if you really are a true believer, you’ll simply forgive me. Or chop my head off. Or believe I am going to burn in a fiery eternity of damnation. So there’s that.

Anyway, why did it bug me? Here’s why. If you really are religious, and believe all that bullshit, then you have absolutely no place being in this industry. The very idea of advertising goes against everything you “choose to believe.” And of course, that’s where all the fucking hilarious loopholes and interpretations come into play, meaning that you can pretty much do whatever the fuck you want and still claim to be a follower of Jesus. Or Mary. Or God. Or Buddha.

Advertising is one of the most capitalist professions going. We whore ourselves out daily, pushing shit people don’t want at prices they can’t afford and collecting a paycheck. We sell cigarettes, booze, flashy cars, bikes, sneakers, fast food, in fact, everything that is either superficial, unhealthy or just plain pointless. Sure, we sell other stuff too, but it’s a tiny percentage. We even do charity work, but tell me that’s not about easing our conscience, or doing some self-serving crap to bag an award.

John Boone himself has worked on a symbol of modern greed and capitalism — the Lexus account. If it’s hard for a rich man on a camel to pass through the eye of a needle, he’s got no fucking chance behind the wheel of a flashy Lexus.

And current BooneOakley clients include: Bojangles’ Famous Chicken and Greasy Biscuits, Ruby Tuesday, MTV2 (count the tits on that channel), HBO Video (again, hardly church-going material) and Batter Blaster! I don't think that last one even counts as any kind of food, does it? I can hardly see Jesus feeding the five thousand with fried chicken and chemical-soaked pancakes, while handing out copies of Sex & The City and Pornocopia.

So John Boone sits in his office, thinking of all the ways he can get people to part with their money to make rich people richer, then goes and sings songs of praise to feel good about himself.

Fuck. Right. Off.

I know full well what I do for a living, and I really don’t have a problem with it. I don't believe I’m going to hell — or heaven — I am going into the ground in some way, where I’ll be eaten by worms and maggots. My “soul” won’t be there, because it doesn’t exist. It’s just something people invented as a way to make themselves feel like there’s more waiting for us after the last 20 shitty years of our lives, when we wear diapers and can't pronounce our words properly.

Moreover, I personally believe religion is just another way to control people and keep the masses in line. Unless you offer one shred of proof that there’s a heaven, I’m not getting on board that boat. Oh, and don’t refer to the fucking Bible, a book that’s been written and rewritten hundreds of times by men more corrupt than the Lehman Brothers, as proof. It’s just as realistic as Scientology.

But I digress.

The bottom line is this. If you have deep religious beliefs, then good for you. I hope it all works out for you and you get to go to your heaven and live forever on a cloud next to everyone that ever existed, all living in harmony, and all that.

However, if you are in this business, I put it to you that you’re a huge fucking charlatan who is betraying every principle you chose to believe in. Fuck off and be an artist or a songwriter or go and work for a charity in Africa helping starving people. Do anything that helps you live your “faith.” But if you go to church once a week on Sundays to praise God, then go to work on Monday and sit at your desk trying to figure out how to make more money at the big capitalist gang-bang, you are a giant hypocrite.

I mean, religion is not about trying to sell people shit they don’t want based on massive lies and exag…oh, well, maybe that part’s accurate.

But if you’re religious, you don’t believe that, so get the fuck out of this industry and leave it to the spawn of Satan. We’re better at it, because we’re not conflicted.

Now…bring forth the hate (which you can disguise as whatever you want).

Felix is a site contributor, ranter and curmudgeon for The Denver Egotist. He’s been in the ad game a long time, but he’s still young enough to know he doesn’t know everything. If he uses the f-bomb from time-to-time, forgive him. Sometimes, when you're ranting, no other word will do. In his spare time, he does not torture small animals. He's been known, on occasion, to drink alcohol by the gallon. Do as he says, not as he does.